Why Does My Toddler Have So Many Tantrums and How Do I Handle Them?
Tantrums are not bad behaviour. They are a sign of a normally developing brain. Here is what is happening and what actually helps.
Why Tantrums Happen: The Brain Explanation
The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, decision-making, and managing emotions, does not fully develop until around age 25. In a 2-year-old, this region is barely online.
When a toddler is overwhelmed by a feeling (frustration, hunger, overstimulation, disappointment), the emotional brain (the amygdala) takes over. This is sometimes called an amygdala hijack. At this moment, the child genuinely cannot reason, self-soothe, or respond to logic. The meltdown that follows is not a choice; it is a physiological event.
Key Insight
Tantrums peak between 18 months and 3 years, exactly when children have strong desires but limited language to express them. The frequency typically decreases once language and emotional regulation skills improve, usually by age 4.
Common Triggers
Most toddler tantrums have one or more identifiable triggers. Knowing them helps you either prevent the tantrum or respond more effectively.
| Trigger | What It Looks Like | Prevention Strategy |
|---|---|---|
| Hunger | Meltdown before mealtimes, late afternoon | Regular snack schedule, carry snacks when out |
| Tiredness | Meltdowns when nap is skipped or bedtime is late | Protect nap schedule; watch for tired cues |
| Overstimulation | After crowded places (Giant, Orchard Road, playgrounds) | Plan outings for low-energy times; build in quiet time after busy activities |
| Communication frustration | Child cannot make themselves understood | Use simple choices; acknowledge what you think they want |
| Transitions | Leaving the playground, stopping screen time | 5-minute warnings before transitions ("5 more minutes, then we go") |
What Works and What Does Not
What Helps
- Stay calm yourself (co-regulation: your calm helps them calm)
- Validate the emotion: "You're really frustrated that we have to go"
- Do not try to reason during the tantrum (the logical brain is offline)
- Stay nearby and safe without making it worse
- Offer comfort when the peak passes ("Come here for a hug")
- Talk about it afterwards in simple words
What Makes It Worse
- Reasoning or bargaining during the meltdown
- Shouting or matching their emotional intensity
- Punishing immediately (without waiting for calm)
- Giving in to demands made during a tantrum (if the demand was unreasonable)
- Mocking or dismissing the feeling ("You're overreacting")
Singapore context: Tantrums in public in hawker centres or on the MRT can feel mortifying. Other adults are almost never judging as harshly as it feels. Focus on your child, not the audience. Most Singaporean parents have been there and understand.
When Tantrums Indicate Something More
Most toddler tantrums are developmentally normal. However, some patterns warrant a conversation with your paediatrician.
- Tantrums that are very frequent (more than 5 per day, most days)
- Tantrums that regularly last more than 25 minutes
- Tantrums that involve the child hurting themselves (head-banging, biting themselves)
- Tantrums that are getting more severe after age 4, not less
- A child who cannot be comforted at all once the tantrum peaks
- Tantrums accompanied by breath-holding that results in fainting (see your PD)
If you are in Singapore and concerned, KKH's Child Development Programme and NUH's Child Development Unit offer developmental assessments. Your polyclinic can provide a referral. Early assessment is never harmful and can provide peace of mind or early support where needed.
Medical disclaimer: this article is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. If you are concerned about your child's behaviour or development, consult a paediatrician or child psychologist.